Children

• Introduction
• What bereaved children need
• Living with death
  

Introduction

When parents are grieving, the needs of a surviving child or children can be overlooked.  Even very young children can sense loss in the family.  Older children may exhibit behaviour problems as an expression of their grief, especially if they have no opportunity to talk honestly about their feelings.

It is important that the parents, grandparents and friends remember that the surviving child also had a close relationship with the dead sibling.  It is not uncommon for children to feel guilty for their sibling’s death.  The child may blame himself for the death, thinking the death is a result of “being mean” to their brother or sister, or a punishment for some other action or behaviour.

Relatives are often reluctant to show emotion in front of a child.  This form of silence can be very difficult and puzzling for children to cope with.  It is alright to cry in front of the child.

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What bereaved children need?

• truthful information – given in an appropriate way, and avoiding euphemisms

• the opportunity to grieve in their own way, to be listened to and to have their feelings respected

• reassurance that the depth of a parent’s grief does not lessen the love felt for him / her

• reassurance that fighting and negative feelings between siblings are common

• strategies for coping with change – e.g. teasing from other children, inability to concentrate in class; not being able to do the things they did with the dead person

• ways to hold onto memories and relationship – children’s fear of forgetting the dead person is very common

• reassurance that it is normal and okay to want to play and have fun sometimes even when grieving
  
  

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Living with death

Even before the death of a close family member occurs, parents can begin to introduce the idea of death as a part of everyday life.  The nightly news, a trip past the cemetery, or a dead plant or bird may spark conversation about death.  Start early, be honest and encourage children to talk about their feelings regarding death.

Periodic conversations about death are important as understanding death is a gradual process.  Children will take in the information as they are ready and increase their understanding as they develop.

Children feel the loss of loved ones just as intensely as adults do, although their grief is often expressed in different ways: through play, art or even acting out.

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Finding out more information

The Candle Project at St Christopher’s Hospice provides bereavement support to families in South East London .  They have produced several books, and an information booklet for staff and families.
www.stchristophers.org.uk/page.cfm/Link=270/t=m/goSection=2

Winton’s Wish offers practical support and guidance to families, to professionals and to anyone supporting a grieving child.
www.winstonswish.org.uk

RD4U is a website designed for young people by young people.  It is part of Cruse Bereavement Care’s Youth Involvement Project and is there to support people after the death of someone close.
www.rd4u.org.uk

The Childhood Bereavement Network is a multiprofessional national federation working to ensure that all children and young people in the UK can easily access a choice of high quality local and national information, guidance and support to enable them to manage the impact of death on their lives.  They have an online directory to search for sources of local and national support.
www.ncb.org.uk/cbn

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